EDITOR’S NOTE: Men love to joke around. Case in point, everything below the “Editor’s Note” here. Many men submitted some silly stuff for some good old fashion fun. If you are triggered, we are not sorry. Please see your men’s team.
The MDI Code of Dishonor
LAWS OF LIFE
- Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
- Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
- Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
- Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
- Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
- Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
- Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
- Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!! AND Visa versa!
- Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
- Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
- The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
- Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
- Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
- Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
- Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
- Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
- Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
- Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
- The Law of Television Entertainment – As soon as you find a television program that you really like, it will be cancelled.
From Rich O’
I have no idea who came up with these. They are so funny. These are priceless!
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
From David Wainwright
I went to the library to get a medical book to help me diagnose some abdominal pain. But somebody had ripped the appendix out . . .
6:30 is the best time on a clock. Hands down.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace,” she replied. So I bought her nothing…
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It’s Christmas, Eve
What’s the best present you can gift? A broken drum. Nobody can beat that.
Why do cows wear bells ? Because their horns don’t work.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair. I’ve heard nothing since.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 35 – minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.
From David Wainwright
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle
Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Now, I’m wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent one copy?
The Commandments for Seniors…
You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
“On time” is, when you get there.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller.
Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
A Pun Competition Held by the New York Times
- I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
- A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
- When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
- I didn’t like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
- Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
- Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c?
Because you can’t ‘c’ in the dark.
- Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Well, because time will tell.
- Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
- I’m trying to organize a hide-n-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
- I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness!!!