Everything Instantly Becomes Meaningless

James Anthony Ellis 

In the blink of a couple weeks, as a nation turned to needing safety, health and toilet paper, humans all over the globe pushed everything else to the back-burner.

The Astros cheated? … What’s baseball?

Baseball is over? … I need to find paper towels.

Basketball is over? … I need Huggies wipes too.

March Madness NCAA playoffs are over? … The world is ending.

Hockey is over? … My life is over.

Now forced to find a higher purpose to live, people are scrambling trying to consider something bigger than themselves, now that their basic distractions and self-absorbed and entitled neediness are fundamentally now kaput.

Distractions no longer available:

  • Going out to dinner
  • Attending sporting events
  • Watching sports on TV
  • Trips to the mall / shopping
  • Picnics
  • Walking outside (without a dog)

Distractions still available:

  • TV sitcom reruns
  • Cribbage
  • Crocheting
  • Epic meditation practices
  • Netflix
  • Laundry
  • Internet porn

Having to shift focus so rapidly has given rise to agitation, fear, and a whiplash effect jarring everyone’s soul. 

“If I would have wanted a higher purpose, I would have given a shit before in my life,” said Joe Shlupp, MDI non-dues paying member who keeps showing up as a source in these parody pieces.

The Upper Leadership within MDI, when reached for comment, was pretty self-congratulatory. Said Regional Coordinator Chris Christopher, “Yeah, I finally figured it. We called it. We were way ahead of the curve on that one. We’ve been working on a higher purpose for years, decades. Finally, it matters!”

Though even with a higher way of being, some MDI men are still bumming. Once one unnamed MDI source learned that the powers-that-be may take away Internet porn, he was like, “Oh man, now what am I supposed to do?”

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