James Anthony Ellis Editor
In the blink of a couple weeks, as a nation turned to needing safety, health and toilet paper, humans all over the globe pushed everything else to the back-burner.
The Astros cheated? … What’s baseball?
Baseball is over? … I need to find paper towels.
Basketball is over? … I need Huggies wipes too.
March Madness NCAA playoffs are over? … The world is ending.
Hockey is over? … My life is over.
Now forced to find a higher purpose to live, people are scrambling trying to consider something bigger than themselves, now that their basic distractions and self-absorbed and entitled neediness are fundamentally now kaput.
Distractions no longer available:
- Going out to dinner
- Attending sporting events
- Watching sports on TV
- Trips to the mall / shopping
- Walking outside (without a dog)
Distractions still available:
- TV sitcom reruns
- Epic meditation practices
- Internet porn
Having to shift focus so rapidly has given rise to agitation, fear, and a whiplash effect jarring everyone’s soul.
“If I would have wanted a higher purpose, I would have given a shit before in my life,” said Joe Shlupp, MDI non-dues paying member who keeps showing up as a source in these parody pieces.
The Upper Leadership within MDI, when reached for comment, was pretty self-congratulatory. Said Regional Coordinator Chris Christopher, “Yeah, I finally figured it. We called it. We were way ahead of the curve on that one. We’ve been working on a higher purpose for years, decades. Finally, it matters!”
Though even with a higher way of being, some MDI men are still bumming. Once one unnamed MDI source learned that the powers-that-be may take away Internet porn, he was like, “Oh man, now what am I supposed to do?”