As the nation closes the door on March’s celebration of “Women’s History Month,” a new month reveals a new acknowledgment. Through Executive Order by some Common Joe, the country designates April as “Men’s History Month,” drawing attention to all the stupid stuff men have done through the ages.
And there has been plenty.
Led by the mascot of the Jackass, decreeing the motto of “Oh Brother – Did I Really Do That?” this month will be filled with many opportunities to tip our cap to some really jerky things the male species has accomplished since the beginning of time.
The home video recorder and iPhone have offered glimpses of dumb behaviors over the century … (It appears viewer discretion is advised below. Really? Must be good then.)
Entire YouTube videos have been dedicated to Darwin Awards and dumb-dumb deeds. They include:
And then there are the testimonials of men from an organization called Mentor Discover Inspire (or MDI), wherein many a man has screwed the pooch in some royally outrageous way.
Said MDI President Dick Raasch, “Well of course! When things are going really well, and we think we know what the heck we are doing, right at that moment of pure ego and pride, we as men will screw it up.”
Claiming that such endeavors-gone-astray originate from an innocent and adventurous spirit, Raasch believes a list of dumb moves would not be complete without the contributions from …. “the men.”
Three weeks out of high school and in my freshman year in college, I have a Saturday class. I find this great parking spot. Wow, my lucky day! When I returned, there was a note: “This space is reserved for me,” signed by the president of the school. At least he didn’t have me towed!
The house of my childhood friend had a basketball backboard which hung on the house directly facing the driveway. My buddy and I wanted to play basketball this day, but his mother’s car was parked on the driveway – totally in the way! So of course, the only answer for a couple of 8-year-olds would be to move her car. Jamie said he knew how to get the car in neutral so we could move it. All I had to do was sit in the driver’s seat and hit the brake after he had pushed it backwards a bit. If I told him I knew how to put the break on the car, I must have been LYING. The car kept rolling out of the driveway, down a slope, stopping right in the middle of our street. Thank goodness his older sister was around to help us move it back. Though now that I think of it, why didn’t we ask for her help from the beginning? Oh, that’s right. We were stupid.
Living in Long Island I had an affair with a customer of the natural food store my wife and I owned and ran. Wife found out and I buckled under pressure and told her who it was. Yeah, that wasn’t a good idea. Both doing it and telling her.
I showed up at the church on my wedding day and thought I was going to get laid and live happily ever after. Expensive shit
I also worked with a VERY abrasive woman who had a personality that would peel paint. One day during a conversation I had a Freudian slip. She mentioned she had two daughters and she could see the shocked look on my face. I asked her if they were twins and she said no, why would you think that? I had to bite my tongue because I couldn’t believe she had been laid twice in her life.
When I was 12 years old, I was a pretty clueless kid … almost as naive as I was when I was married. And I had a “friend” who was a real troublemaker. One day, we were hanging out at my Dad’s place playing ball, and the ball bounced over into my neighbor’s driveway, where he had a Motor Home in the back. My friend talked me into going with him to check it out. It turned out to be unlocked, so we went inside. We were sprawled out in the top bunk at the back of the RV, doing something stupid like pretending we were in a fort or something, when there was a loud knock on the window right next to our heads! My “friend” then talked me into being the one to leave the RV to see what was going on. When I emerged, I was confronted by what I clearly recall was an 8-foot tall cop. We weren’t in that much trouble in the end … probably because the idiot owner had left it unlocked so it technically wasn’t B&E, just E. I just had to sit through an awkward chat with my Dad. If there had been an essay topic in my Grade 6 English class called “How I know Karma’s a Bitch,” I could’ve written all about how, while I was basically already home, my “friend” lived a few blocks away, and got a lovely ride in a cop car!
I was at Guide Dog School, training with one of my dogs, about 15 years ago, one day during the training, I was walking along the sidewalk with my dog, heading for the corner. I felt him pick up the pace at one point, and then slow down again, so didn’t think anything of it. When we got back to where the trainers and other students were, they said, “Um, you have no idea what just happened … what your dog did … do you?” It turned out, as we were approaching a driveway, there had been a delivery person parking his truck well up the driveway. He saw us coming and was so fascinated that he climbed out of his truck to get a better look, and forgot to put on the emergency break. Well, the truck began rolling back down the driveway toward me and my dog! The man suddenly realized what was happening and frantically ran back and climbed back into his truck to stop it. My beautifully trained Guide Dog, meanwhile, just strolled on by without batting an eye!
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: About 10 years ago, I was volunteering for an organization called The Toronto Distress Centre, where I manned the phones and answer calls from people coping with mental illness, suicidal Ideation, stuff like that. There was a paid opportunity that came up to answer calls from something called PAIRO, which stands for…umm…Something Something Interns & Residents of Ontario…basically taking calls from doctors under high stress. During the prep for the training, the Distress Centre folks mentioned that one thing we should watch out for was how sensitive doctors were about terms like “crazy.” Well, I was just Too Cool For School, so during the training session, when the speaker was talking about all the horrible stress the doctors go through in a typical day, I said … with genuine sympathy but also trying to sound cool. “Wow! No wonder doctors are all a little nuts!” I think I meant by the time they BECOME doctors … forgetting that these folks already WERE doctors! All my fellow tranees laughed, but needless to say, I didn’t get the job.
I once asked a woman when the baby was due. She wasn’t pregnant.
Driving on acid.
When I was 6 or 7, we thought it was a good idea to run behind the mosquito fogging truck pouring a thick white cloud of DDT out the back. Explains a lot about me, eh?