I am 44 years old. I’m very knowledgeable about advanced mathematics, geophysics, computer science, advanced finance and statistics. I hold a Master’s degree in Finance, build business intelligence systems for a living, and hold various professional certifications. With my very best thinking, I calculate an algorithm that clearly shows that I have been an adult for just about 14 years of which 95.37% of the time I have spent as an asshole. That puts my mental age at about that of a small child.
I don’t use the word asshole lightly or even to prove a point like Tony Robins uses “fuck.” It’s real. It’s true. Ask any man who has been on an MDI team with me since 2007, or most recently over the past two years, once I moved to CT from NYC, on a Motomo men’s team with me. If you have not received a “Fuck You” from me, and you were in some circle in my life, you were doing something wrong. I was once at a Boilermaker MDI men’s team meeting in NYC with 19 other man, and a man asked if any man in the circle who had not received a “Fuck You” from Hasan to raise his hand. No one did.
For years, I didn’t really know I could choose another way of being, one that wasn’t selfish or self-centered. After all, I have been sober since January 2002, did the Sterling Men’s Weekend in February 2007, Legacy Discovery initially in June 2007, the Landmark Curriculum for Living and Communication Curriculum, Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within weekend, and many other events of self-growth and transformation so that I could get what I wanted in my life and contribute to others when it was absolutely only convenient for me. I had also been a men’s team captain, though several men left the circle during my captaincies, and some even called me “Killer” on their way out. I misinterpreted that nickname to mean “Great Warrior” instead of a killer of men, though I never actually committed any crime outside of receiving a DUI many years ago.
Had there not been two major “Oh Shit!” moments this year for me, I would probably be strolling along naturally being an asshole all over the planet. Those two moments have reshaped my life. Both of them heavily contributed to my desire to attend Legacy Discovery a second time with renewed purpose, almost 8 ½ years after my first weekend.
The first was a death of a police officer in southern NJ in May. I had not seen my high school friend Eddie since right after I graduated high school. We had several of the same friends, one of whom was my friend Frankie who committed suicide when I was 16 years old. Instead of grieving with my friends at that time, I discovered alcohol and isolated and shut down emotionally for many years. I also blamed myself partly for his death and beat myself up for a long time for isolating shortly thereafter. When Eddie committed suicide this year, I had the opportunity to attend the wake and funeral and grieve with the people I should have grieved with 27 years ago. During the funeral that was attended by well over a thousand people, I had an aisle pew seat and watched as his four small children and widow processed with the casket down the aisle. And I lost it. I cried. I knew something had to change in me and that I needed to stop putting my own basic needs first and make relationships the priority no matter how absolutely raw I had been in the relationship experience area.
So I took on being my Motomo men’s team captain a few weeks later when the former captain stepped down to take on other commitments. My team is a very strong Sterling team, and no men had any Legacy Discovery experience. What did I do first? Bring any technology from Sterling? No. I started with concepts from the LD. And men didn’t understand me. I went right; they all went left. And they asked me to reel it in.
Afterwards I realized that the way I understood my place as a man in the world and how to show up that way was what I learned and experienced from my first LD Weekend. I also realized that I had done so many things in such a short timeframe back in 2007 that I confused and collapsed most of the transformation in my head. I further realized that the men on my team weren’t going to quit the team just because I was captain. So I inherited a heavy Sterling team; I wasn’t living the Sterling Men’s Weekend; I was confused about the archetypes; I had no idea how to lead men that actually wanted to stay in my circle despite me being captain; and I realized “OH SHIT!!!! What do I do now?”
The same week my tribe leader Bob Flagg called me and asked if I had any ideas for a training event for the men in Motomo. I said yes! The idea I quickly developed was that it would be pretty awesome if I brought some kind of small army of men with me to the upcoming Legacy Discovery Weekend, not just for their training but so I could also have some men in my circle whom I could relate to and who could relate to the way I saw myself as a man. And so I called Frank Tritini, lead GEL, and we created the possibility of having our organizations stand shoulder to shoulder in the same circle for the LD Weekend.
It was great for me to bring nine other men with me; I must have had over a hundred enrollment conversations over a 3-month period. At the very least, although I didn’t bring 100 men with me, men got to know me and I had the pleasure of getting to know men at a much deeper level than I would have otherwise. I made some new friends during the few weeks before the LD, and I became deeply engaged in the process of not being such an asshole after all.
It’s been a month since I attended the October 2015 Legacy Discovery Weekend. I consider every man who attended this weekend one of my men. I’ve had some time to digest what I learned and implement new ways of showing up in my life based upon the mature male archetypes. I learned that being in relationships with others is about my allowing them to contribute to me, not just giving men advice to fix them. I got complete with my pain and suffering up until now and learned that my “Fuck You!” to others had really been “Fuck You Dad!” And I was able to put that knee-jerk reaction I carried around with me for four decades to bed once and for all and become complete with my immature childhood story I had about my father. I learned that I’m not the only man with my past sexual experiences and I’m not the only man with a not-so-powerful relationship with money.
What I brought home with me was the ability to walk into my house each night with benevolence so that I do not yell at my children. My yelling at my kids was quickly driving my wife emotionally away from me; and by recognizing that my aggression was a turn-off for my wife, I have become a better listener and even made love to her after a period of a lack of passion in our marriage. I have men who call me every day. I look forward to letting them make a difference in my life. And while my company is in the process of laying off employees, I am clearly able to see my strengths and how I can use them to move my life and my family forward despite any outside circumstances.
A day after I returned home from the LD Weekend, my six-year-old son walked up to me in the morning and with a mean look on his face said “Dad give me a video!” I saw he was being aggressive and I realized he learned that from me. So, I took that in and I made an immediate change.
I continue to encounter “Oh shit!” moments like this one now almost every day. They pop up all the time! But I have a choice today to step back, take a moment and decide to be the King, or the Lover, or the Warrior, or my favorite, the Magician, whenever I choose.
And it makes a huge difference for everyone.
Captain of Team Quasar
Motomo, Grindstone Tribe, CT
Sterling Men’s Weekend February 2007
Legacy Discovery Weekend June 2007 and October 2015