In a shocking move, aimed to bring security and safety to all American citizens, the State Department has made being a boy illegal.
Citing fidgetyness, rambunctiousness, and any sense of aggression as a society menace, the politically correct politicians correctly intend to remove all masculinity from male infants, young men and even a number of select adult men. You know, the pushy kind.
With cries of “Ritalin wasn’t enough,” the claim is that masculinity in itself is icky and must be squelched to detox all the toxicity out of it.
Coming June 1, 2019, legislation recently passed by extreme feminists of both genders plus a handful of whipped and wimpy sell-outs dictates:
- Upping the doses of medication for even the youngest of boys, so they will just sit still, dammit.
- Curtailing competition from school systems, little league, Pop Warner, and implementing “participation” awards, so none of the wee ones ever get their insecurities compromised. For example, in miniature golf outings, “Holes in One” will now be called “Whatever.”
- Watering down the purely boy bonding experience, females will be admitted into the Boys Scouts troops.
- Stunts such as pulling the chair out from under a mate, giving a “flat tire” to the back of a bud’s shoe, putting a pal into a “headlock,” and any name-calling will be considered a “hate crime.”
There will be no raising of the voice, even for those teens and adults who choose to get mad at Siri when she misdirects drivers or Internet surfers. Such “virtual abuse” will be recorded and met with something worse than Siri replying, “I don’t know how to respond to that” or “That’s not nice.”
Those young men who believe they are being bullied on any level will be directed to such actions:
- Sprint home to mom and/or pet.
- Find a “safe space” away from anything outside of that harsh stuff found in the playgrounds of our world.
The proposed legislation may soon also be extended to adult males. For example professional hockey players will no longer be allowed to fight. Instead a new system of conflict-resolution will include a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors,” wherein:
- Paper embraces Rock.
- Rock is a platform on which Scissors can reside.
- Scissors and Paper work in tandem to create origami.
Though the shift of culture will be an adjustment, especially for young men who wish to express a raw masculinity, one proponent of the new laws said, “They made me too nervous. I couldn’t control them.”
Said every boy and mature masculine man everywhere, “Perhaps that was the whole point.”