Gone Q? A Survivors Guide to Self-Quarantine

My name is Justin LaBarge, and I live in a CV-19 Positive household. 

Let that sink in for a minute. The virus? It’s here, in my home.

Now we’ve committed ourselves into self-quarantine #GoneQ, for our protection and yours. It has also changed my perspective on things, and for your sake, I wish to share my new outlook with you.

First thing to know, other than – yes you should assume it will get you too, is that it will change your perspective too. You may yourself notice that all that’s available from our social sources of news, quasi-news, and Faux News proves they don’t know fact from fiction. Or how to discern what is relevant from not. 

They’re not at all asking the relevant questions! 

Here to help you, the fear-stricken,  I will sort it all out for you. Myth from fact. This is a Survival Guide for you. 

Let’s begin!

Myth #1: Stay informed, and listen to the advice of professionals.

Fact: 1. Your own selfishness is the greatest threat to your own survival (and all those you hold dear). 

Oh, I mean it. Your overwhelming commitment to comfort and desire for the external validation that life will magically go back to the way remember will in fact expose you. 

You selfish prick! 

Your Shit Tickets aren’t saving you!

Do you confuse 96 rolls of toilet paper as some form of sanctuary? Do you realize, should you run out, you still have a shower less that three feet from the shitter? You got your priorities all wrong, you douche bag!

Since we’re driving this spiked club of reality down into your thick skull, let’s dismiss another myth. If you’re concerned that you may perhaps have the virus – DON’T GO TO THE DOCTOR, UNTIL YOU ***NEED*** TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.

Do you think your doctor is waiting there to answer your litany of fear-begotten questions as to whether you maybe could be sick? FAWK NO! They’re out there saving real lives, from people that are desperately ill. So until you’re one of those desperately sick people, STAY THE FUCK AT HOME, you human paraquat!

Selfish, selfish, selfish. Ohhhh, you are selfish. So fuck you. 

Next up!

Myth #2: Remain sheltered in place, except for the essentials.

Fact 2: Listen here prick, I want you to get this, and get this good.

You’re stranded on an island of your own stupidity. 

Ever been sick before? Ever have the flu? Fucking do that. Stop seeking some alternative to what you got coming. Use your common sense, if it hasn’t completely abandoned your scared chicken ass. Stand up! Get a backbone, Otherwise you will succumb to your irrational fears and then cause some real damage.

Report: Men with guns cut down tree, block driveway to quarantine Vinalhaven residents
An Island of Stupidity

Why don’t we just riot for more toilet paper? Or GUNS! Shit, let’s go get ALL the guns. Then, and maybe then we will save ourselves from THOSE with the rest of the guns. 

Speaking of irrational stupidity, let’s look at the churches. If your church has called you in congregate together during these times of fear and suffering, FUCK YOU! You’ve just found yourself stranded on the island of someone else’s stupidity. And while, yes you’re far more likely to infect and kill those whom you hold dear, you’re also fucking it up for the rest of us by  stupidifying your way to genocide others. 

What good is all your toilet paper, once you’re fucking dead?

Next Up!

Myth #3: They’re working on a vaccine, and soon things will be back to normal

You stupid and selfish sonnabitch. There’s something here you gotta get. 

You’ve placed your faith in the temples of false gods

Yeah, more with the religious metaphor, but if you’ve noticed then it’s probably working.

First, what the fuck is wrong with you? You waste of sperm butter on a dry white piece of toast. You have placed your faith in those least competent to serve. If you think Trump Pelosi or anyone else is coming to your rescue I got news for you, this Survival Guide is here for them too! (see Facts 1 & 2 above). Are you buying into their false political narratives? With their false-bravado? This cowboy ethic of self-reliant, spit and grit your way through this as a means of self-preservation? The holy water at the font of your faith is just you drinking the piss they dribble from of their tired old limp dicks, as they go on camera and tell you that YOU gotta do something. 

Need another dose of reality? Your bottle Purell kills germs. How the fuck do you expect that to stop a FRIGGIN’ VIRUS?! 

Oops. Has that ever flash across your selfish, stupid foolish fear-rattled 5 pounds of gray matter? Yet you continue to scuttled bottle after bottle.

What does it take? When will you reconsider where you have you place your faith? 

Fuck you. 

Oh, when will we have our vaccine?

Go eat a bag of dicks. Keep holding your breath, as you expose your loved ones with every toilet paper run you make. 

Where’s my placebo drug, the one that douchebag, clown wigged and orange makeup wearing insecure reprobate is promising me?

Oh, your temple lies upon unhallowed ground The only consecration of your temple of faith is when it burns to the ground. And it will. It will. *Sniff*

When will my quarantine safely end?

Once you get it. And then, SHOULD you survive, wait another two more goddamn weeks. Yes, once you’ve become immune and no longer contagious. Then you can get out. There, I said it. Let me be the only person to give it to you straight. 

Anything – ANYTHING ELSE anyone tells you is a friggin’ lie. They’re all lying to you. 

Partisan politics, Presidential election blather, press conferences in the Rose Garden, breaking news, “This Just In,” Covid-19 news update, death counts, infection rates, America-China-Italy-Spain, Dow Jones, unemployment rates, Universal Health Care, Fact-Checks, celebrity deaths, gloom, doom, death and despair.

Jesus Chrisis! You’ve been gotten, and they got you good. It’s time to stop and listen, you selfish, stupid, fool of a tool. Stop. Know this. 

You too are going to get this virus. 

Next Up!

Survival Guide

Welcome! Now that we’ve sorted fact from fiction, and now that you’ve been told the truth, hopefully now you can HEAR the Survival Tips I’ve prepared for you. You fucking selfish, stupid, fool of human paraquat.

Tip #1 Coping with the Truth

Here’s my best advice for coping with inevitability.

The Quarantini

6 parts gin, 2 parts ice, 1 packet Emergen-C. Shake and serve in a cocktail glass. Garnish with clementine slice.

Repeat as necessary. Cheers!

‘The Quarantini’ Cocktail – it helps to cope with reality.

Next Up!

Tip #2. Take Pity on the Hopeful

Look, you pathetic piece of dog shit, just know you’re looking better after every Q cocktail I drink. Also, realize those around you are dealing with this shit as best they know how. Let’s assume they know no other way to deal with things than the way they already are. Also, they may not be looking for Survival Tips, Fact from Fiction while living in Quarantine [#GoneQ], so stop verbally abusing them, you callous piece of shit! 

Rather, see that they’re living the myth. Understand they’re buying into something. 

Some poor sods may even be hopeful. 

Don’t condemn them. Provide them your generosity of their being – allowing them to be just the way they are. 

Cuz like, they’re gonna get it get the virus too. 

Who’s up for another round?

Next Up!

Tip #3. Gain a Philosophy

Hello handsome!

Here’s a promise I can make which I can stand by. Want to successfully instill change in your self and/or others? I know how!

Gain a philosophy. Change your fundamental outlook. Take a single page from Nelson Mandela’s book. Mandela was incarcerated in 1963, and willed himself free in 1990. How the fuck did he do that? He shifted his philosophy, to the point where even his personal captors became empathetic to who he became. Should I sell you short than to think you can somehow do any less? No friggin’ way, dumbass.

Here’s how to survive while in quarantine. ‘#GoneQ’ 

1. Your life is not about you. It’s about the commitments which you keep. Your live is being in service to others, to higher ideals which compel you to act. For you are giving.

2. Realize that you have a purpose. Every choice and conscious act aligns with this purpose, bound by a single thread which defines you. It exists. It’s there. You will find it. For you are smart

3. Seek powerful questions, not answers. It is in asking these questions which inner wisdom truly emerges. Have these questions serve your lifeline pursuit toward meaning. For you are wise.

Channel your energy within. Eschew outside validation Find yourself in the process, and a path will emerge. Summon the courage to begin the process. Use the men in your life to hold you accountable to the ongoing chain of commitments it will require of you. 

May you may find a life worthy of you. 

Along the way, should you need something to take on your challenges (for no man can go it alone). I offer you this.

Next Up!

Garlic Soup

Mince an entire garlic head, add to chicken stock (or vegetarian if you’re of the leaf persuasion). Emulsify olive oil in two egg yolks and an equal amount of spicy mustard with a whisk (you’re making homemade mayonaise, but now pronounced with a French accent). Incorporate into soup and serve. 

Alls you need is Garlic Soup

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