By Rob Mackintosh, Southwest Region
I’ve heard friends and acquaintances refer to themselves as stupid fat fucks (SFF’s). The term was generally used to indicate a serious self-inflicted scolding for lack of self-discipline in the area of weight control. I’ve heard the term used in sarcastic, joking fashion as well as in a sober self-deprecating way. In either case it left me with an uneasy feeling due to its harshness.
Anyone that knows me knows that weight is not one of my problems – I’m on the “too skinny” side of the scale. However, I have my own mentality of “SFF” typically related to embarking on something ambitious that backfires in my face. In a state of self-rejection, I wind up scolding the shit out of myself for failing at the task. Add to this a plethora of hot issues related to women and money that typically lead to exasperations like: how could I have been so fucking stupid?
There seems to be a general trend that most people have an SFF with which to indulge in masochism. In a recent 3-day retreat, I had some time to analyze this little song-and-dance and had an insight which I think might be of benefit to readers. It began with listening to the ranting and raving that my mind was spewing out, non-stop, for a full day. I noticed that my internal voice, which I will hereafter refer to as ego, would not shut up. What it had to say was of the utmost importance. Everything it said was worthy of a standing ovation from an audience of fans. (I must say that I’m a bit concerned that my delusions of grandeur are somewhat extreme!) I estimate that 99 percent of the chitter-chatter in my head was straight ego. There was nothing altruistic going through my head – nada.
The first day of the retreat led me to categorize the following basic tenets of ego assertions: self-righteous, judgmental, belligerent and unapologetic. If questioned and cross-examined my ego exhibited outrage and frustration, and became highly indignant. In my failures my ego exhibits victimhood and complete lack of accountability. My ego is like a little Henry VIII or Hitler that believes his voice to be God’s truth and would have anyone that crosses him beheaded. If a mess comes from a choice he made he spends a great deal of time accusing and chastising the elements of the problem for failing (ie. curse the car for being such a piece of shit that it couldn’t handle the turn and slid off the road).
By day two of the retreat I had developed a firm conviction that the above tenets of my ego were true and reliable. I feel confident in saying that my ego is totally unapologetic, unremorseful, and reckless. Equipped with this firm conviction I decided to go looking for SFF. First I asked the question: who is asserting the statement you SFF? The nature of this assertion is very harsh and judgmental – a hallmark of the ego, so I feel confident in believing that the statement is from the ego. Logically it follows that the ego is speaking to something or someone other than itself since it is counter to basic tenets of ego to criticize itself.
So who and where is SFF? Is it the body? The body doesn’t seem to be able to think and act on its own so that negates the body. Is it the mind? The mind controls the body so it would seem to be a logical choice.
Let’s assume that we have found SFF and it is the mind. The mind has made bad choices, which now manifest as poor health, severed relationships, animosity, etc. These conditions did not manifest in an instant. There were thoughts that led to decisions. Decisions drove actions. Actions gave rise to conditions – of which we are primarily interested in the objectionable conditions. This process is commonly referred to as cause and effect. It is a general rule of thumb that we embark on activities with a belief system that the activity will reap a reward. We do not knowingly embark on an activity with certainty of its objectionable outcome – we avoid those endeavors. If follows then that a judgment was made that indicated a positive outcome. The mind made a decision based on a positive judgment. As argued before, since judgment is a hallmark of ego can we assume that the ego is calling itself a SFF? Recall that it is against ego tenet to criticize itself. Also, the ego accuses with the statement: you SFF! This indicates that ego is speaking to someone or something outside of itself. Logically it would seem that we have not found SFF.
I propose that the ego has leaned on denial and delusional to fabricate some “other” entity who is the SFF. This is in alignment with ego tenet of victimhood and lack of accountability. Since ego is infallible it makes sense for it to have a strong certainty that a SFF exists. However, when I went searching for SFF all I found was ego.
I conclude that SFF is an imaginary entity of convenience for my ego to deny that it made a bad choice from the start. My ego is unapologetic, belligerent, delusional, hypocritical, and has no moral compass. As the captain of my ship, ego is constantly steering the ship into the rocks. Ego is only concerned with its pride, status and image. It steers the ship this way and that to exert its control with complete disregard for the fact that the ship is headed straight for the rocks.