From The Men – Gags, Jokes and Laughs

As always, it’s good to hear from the men on the topic at hand. On any topic, it’s good to go to the collective wisdom or goofiness of the men and see what is to be shared and revealed. This month we hear from the men posting on social media, in answer to this question: “What is your favorite joke?”

From Art McCormack:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

From Oly Zeuch:

  • If after a lock-down you were given a choice of :

    A) A dream vacation with your wife for a week
    B) A BBQ 🍗 with your buddies

Would you choose:
1. Medium Rare
2. Rare
3. Well Done

  • My girlfriend / wife and  I had a fight last night and she called me at work, and said she was sorry so we talked it out. Then she says, “Hey, do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone is using a Voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it with a big needle? I said, “No.” Then she said, “How about now?“
  • I recently found out my grandfather is addicted to Viagra. No one’s taking it harder than my grandmother.

From Crawford Hart:

A woman goes to see her doctor. “Doc,” she says, “I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m exhausted all the time, I’ve lost interest in everything, I don’t care about sex or anything else, my brain’s foggy. I don’t know what to do.” The doctor agrees this is not normal and performs an exam and a few test. “Just as I thought,” he tells her. “Your testosterone levels are too low.” “TESTOSTERONE?!! What do I need with testosterone?” “Everyone needs testosterone. Women less than men, but you need more than you got. Wear this patch and come back to see me in a couple of weeks.” Two weeks later she blast into his office. “Doc, it’s a miracle. I’d have never thought it possible. I feel thirty years younger. I’m full of energy. My husband can’t keep up with me in bed. It’s wonderful.” “Well, that is good news. Tell me, have you had any side-effects?” “Well, I have noticed that I’m growing hair in places where there wasn’t any before.” “Oh yeah? Where is that.” “My balls.”

From Dennis Speer:

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar ……….. …………… …………. ……………. …………. ……………….. ……………… …………… ………. Hey, it could happen!

From Anonymous:

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
Sounding concerned, I replied, “No…”
She responded, “How about now?”

From Sandy Peisner:

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”
“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”
“And finally I pray that everyone will be happy.”

The CNN journalist asked, “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

He said, “Like I’m talking to a fucking wall”

From Jonathan Rosenberg:

What’s a Jewish woman”s favorite wine?
“When are we going to Miami?”

From Eric Louie:

A kid asked his penny-pinching dad, “Dad, can I have $20?” The Dad replied, “$10? What do you need $5 for?”

From Andy Resnik:

Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Flood waters were rising all through town, and everyone was trying to escape. One man was on his rooftop praying for God to save him, when a man on the street came by in a rowboat. He insisted the man come down and get in the boat.
“That’s OK” he says, “God will save me.”
Awhile later, a motorboat comes by, offering the man a ride.
“No, you go ahead” the man on the says, “God will save me.”
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope so I can lift you to safety.”
The stranded man again insists that he has faith in God, and God will save him, so the helicopter flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven but was distraught. “God, I had faith in you, but you let me drown. Why??”
To this God replied, “Let you down? I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter!”

From Stefan Bajon:

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: “Are – my – test – results – back?”

From David Wainwright:

Forrest Gump died and upon his ascent to the Pearly Gates, he encountered an officious Saint Peter.

He was guarding the gates with guards and had an iPad. Gump requested he be allowed to enter heaven, but Saint Peter informed him there were new requirements to admittance. When Mr. Gump asked what they were, he was told he had to answer 3 questions correctly. So what were those 3 questions?

  • 1. How many days of the week started with the letter T?
  • 2. How many seconds in a year?
  • 3. What is Gods first name?

Saint Peter told him he had 1 hour to formulate 3 acceptable responses. Gump was advised to go to the nearby Starbucks and return within the hour. An hour later, he returned. There upon St Peter repeated the 3 questions. What 2 days start with the letter T? Gump’s answer was today and tomorrow. Saint Peter hesitated and then accepted that response.

When asked how many seconds in a year, Gump said 12: the 2nd of January, the 2nd of February on on… Again Saint Peter accepted his answer.

On the 3rd question, what is God’s first name, Gump said, “Howard.” Quizzically Saint Peter said, “Howard?” Gump said, “Howard be thy name.” Saint Peter screamed, “Run Forest Gump Run.”

From Brad Leslie:

Can’t print mine here – some whiner will start whining about it! And that’s the joke!

3 thoughts on “From The Men – Gags, Jokes and Laughs”

  1. Gerald Ruygrok

    Two cannibals sit down to a meal. They are eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other…does this taste funny to you?

  2. An Irish man walks in a bar and orders three shots and three beers. The bartender says I’ll serve them one at a time but the Irish man insisted on all three saying he was having drinks with his two brothers in Ireland. This goes on for about six months then one day the Irish man orders two beers and two shots. The bartender brings them and ask if something had happened to one of his brothers to which he replied, oh no I have decided to quit drinking.

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