Matthew Biswas
Guest Writer
Look around your weekly Men’s circle and you’ll see a disparate group of personalities.
It’s not surprising. Typically, the men on an MDI Men’s Team do not come together through a logical process. There’s no hiring system, no centralized interest or activity, no specific skill set or ethos required. Chances are, your team members joined through various channels: a referral, online advertising, or an invitation from an existing member. This nontypical assembly of men allows for a range of personalities.
And every week, the men on your team interest you, inspire you… and irritate you. Am I right? Let’s take a trip around the circle and meet some of your team members.
The Dominator: He’s aggressive; he will cut others off to push his agenda forward. He typically believes his way is the only way, and when he doesn’t get his way, he says the team is doing things wrong. When he’s called into Circle, he toes the line and lets the team think he’s coachable, but he rarely changes his behavior
‘The Devil’s Advocate: He’s always challenging men to explore alternative angles and spark debate, and asking the entire team how the issue/situation lands on them. His heart is in the right place, and he feels the team is an organism that writhes and falls as men share and discuss. He introduces a multiplier effect. An issue that one man is facing electrifies the team. So much so, the original man’s feelings, problems, etc., often get left behind as men pile on and share the secondary or tertiary impact. Leaving men on the team feeling raw and exposed
The Tangent Artist: He frequently steers the conversation off-topic and tries to do a deep dive on details, and brings up past discussions. Sometimes this is great. This man probes to find out how your wounds from the past are influencing your thoughts and reactions to the current situation. Sometimes his efforts to dig deep send the team off in a different direction. So much so that the original man’s immediate issue is left behind
This is just a sample, a few highlights. Other personalities include:
The Enthusiast: Displays high energy and boundless enthusiasm, bringing a lot of new ideas to the table. But he often interrupts as other men speak. [Author’s Note: This is me.]
The Silent Observer: A quiet participant who listens and takes everything in, often without speaking much
The Me-Centered Processor: This man takes “shared experience” to the worst level. This man can only seem to participate in a team meeting by bringing the conversation back to himself
The Avoidant Improver: The man who says every week, he’s going to start XYZ, he’s going to give up ABC, etc. And every week, he makes no steps forward
Look familiar? Are you on this list? Are there other personalities on your team?
There is a lot of good coming out of our collective meetings both despite and because of the various personalities. These men make a lasting impression. They can make us ask the questions we’re afraid to ask ourselves. Or we see characteristics and traits in them that we wish we had or are grateful we don’t have.
We love seeing our men move closer to becoming the men they want to be: get the job of his dreams, have better relationships with his children, or become physically and mentally stronger. But these personalities can get in the way of progress.
What can be done? The key is getting a consensus from the entire team on how to manage the various personalities. What could that look like?
First, institute clear expectations and standards. Remind men that failure to adhere to the standards will slow all of our progress. This could help the Avoidant Improver to institute real change.
In addition, impress upon The Dominator that if he is reluctant to be coached, he won’t grow. What’s worse, he is probably preventing others from growing. If this persists, he can’t be part of the team’s future
Next, guide/limit conversation. It may require ‘sidelining’ The Tangent Artist or the Me-Centered Processor, and staying focused on the man in the middle and the topic at hand. As valuable as their shared experience or the secondary topic is, you need to stay focused. As an added bonus, this will also help the Silent Observer step in
We are all leaders of our teams and as such we need to understand these different personalities so we can help our men become top performers. Don’t be afraid to point out how their personalities are impacting you and how you see the team being stifled. Like most things in life, an 80/20 rule can be our guide. Allow for 20% of the meeting (at the very most) for men to express themselves and feel heard, so that they can refine their personalities during the 80% to help them achieve greatness… together.
Matthew “Biz” Biswas has been a member of Midnight Sons since 2018. He lives in Toronto, is a business owner, father, semi-skilled athlete, rock music aficionado, and closet prepper. He can be reached at [email protected] or connect with him on facebook or Instagram @matthewbiswas
Not sure what personality I am
What you’ve described are often thought of as personality types see the Myers Briggs. You’ve also described situations in which and suggested that boundaries are a way to resolve conflict. Boundaries shouldn’t be enforced on others, they are yours which means you leave. Meaning just because you don’t like someone’s way you don’t get to push them out, your boundaries are yours and when you quit you quit on that man and the rest of the men on your team. Seen this so many times in MDI, it’s group think dominance. There is this idea circulating in the world that the way to deal with things we don’t like is to cut them out and marginalize certain types of people, that is toxic and it is discriminatory and you can disguise it and dress it up however you want. But what you’re really doing is saying the same thing a dominator is saying, it’s my way or it’s wrong. The whole premise of being in a team is to achieve a goal, is that goal in men’s work now to achieve separation and sell people out? That’s a shitty legacy. Glad I’m not in MDI anymore.
Good to see you on here, Humboldt, it’s been years.
I didn’t read this with quite the same eyes you did. I’d also caution it’s just one man’s words. It’s not intended to represent the whole organization or anyone else in it.
In any case, it’s good to see your face, if only in a tiny icon on a comment.
DK