Anonymous
Guest Writer
[Editor’s note: though our writers often choose to share their intimate thoughts, experiences, and insights in these pages, Legacy Magazine is, for obvious reasons, not a confidential space. Their words might be seen by friends, colleagues, and family and so, to allow the fullest freedom for them to discuss truly sensitive personal material in safety, we offered that they may, upon request, remain anonymous. This author has chosen to do so.]
There are moments in life that I have kept silent about for years, as if the words were too heavy to come out. This is one of those moments. And although it is not easy, today I choose to speak, because staying silent is no longer an option.
I never imagined I would be writing these lines, but I feel the need to do so as part of a catharsis: my own healing. Perhaps these things are too intimate to reveal, but this exercise demands openness and honesty. Talking about sex, I think, requires leaving aside taboos and confronting my own shadows sincerely. And because MDI has opened the space and moment for it, here we go.
A big part of my sex life has been, and still is, thoughts of sexual acts and situations that I have never, to this point, carried out.
I have discovered, for example, that I am attracted to feet: beautiful, cared-for feet, without bad odor. I am also attracted to pubic hair. Yeah!, the thick bush.
The thought of participating in an orgy has crossed my mind too, more than once, though I have never done so.
Nor have I competed in things like a nude run or cycling race: but the fantasy of walking freely down the street, without shame, and showing my average-sized penis, intrigues me. Men are always comparing themselves: size, thickness, shape… as if our virility and self-esteem depended on it. I do that, too, and I deeply admire those who have a small penis and yet maintain admirable confidence, unafraid to show themselves as they are. I would love to talk to someone like that, to learn how not to base my personal worth on a physical measurement.
There are other things I think about, things I have encountered in pornography. I considered myself somewhat of a porn connoisseur because I knew about things like bukkake, golden showers, fisting, and other bizarre ideas. I tend to feel guilty about being interested in such things. But when I hear other men talking openly about sex, I realize I am not the only one fascinated by these things: they speak fluently about practices that were unknown to me, and with surprising knowledge and in those moments, the guilt that accompanies my curiosity fades. They are more experienced than me, and that normalizes my own exploration a little.
But all that I have talked about so far is merely thoughts, fantasies, and video. When it comes to my actual sex life, to sex with my wife, the moments of intimacy have been scarce for more than two years. I would like to change this, to greatly increase the frequency, but I have been caught in what I think of as a perfect storm.
In the first place I believe my sexual maturity was interrupted for many years. This was due to an incident I experienced at eight years old with a nineteen-year-old cousin. It is hard for me to call it abuse, since fortunately there was no penetration, but as an adult I now understand that it was not my fault: that I was a victim.
As a purely physical matter, I have been circumcised and some say that the glans, when not covered by the natural foreskin, loses sensitivity from constant friction with underwear. This can, they say, lead to difficulty maintaining an erection during sex due to lack of sensation. Myth or reality, I honestly don’t know, but many times I’ve felt that my glands does not receive enough sensation to reach climax.
In addition, my erections are not like they used to be, as firm as rock. Any small detail can interrupt the act and cut short what could have been a moment of connection. I try not to anticipate failure, and sometimes that works, but most of the time it does not and I’m left frustrated.
This situation has made me too ashamed even to propose sex to my wife, because I don’t want to disappoint her again. She assures me that she understands, but I know it’s not entirely true. I have had to gain experience with my hand and mouth, trying to compensate for what my penis can no longer achieve.
The combination of these has turned me, again and again, to masturbation and pornography.
I suspect that circumcision, excessive masturbation, and performance stress has created the perfect storm in my sexual life: a chaos without beginning or end, which I am still trying to navigate. In short, my sex life is a real mess. I’m only 52 years old but I feel as though I’m missing the last stage of my life in which I should still be able to fully enjoy sex. When I talk about a perfect storm, that is what I mean: a bunch of factors all coming together to cause difficulty.
Not all stories have a happy ending, and mine, at least up to this chapter, does not.
You may ask, have I visited doctors and urologists: I have, and I have told them everything listed above in order to find a solution. But after years of attempts, the only solutions I’ve received from them were prescriptions for Viagra or Cialis. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don’t.
I hear of others enjoying their sexuality in multiple ways. Yet I remain at home, on the sidelines, thinking much, desiring much, but doing little.
