Michael Burns
Columnist
My sex life began as the worst of times.
It started with wet dreams, which I didn’t understand. They were unknown, mysterious, and messy.
Chuck, my best friend from across the street, taught me how to masturbate, so I no longer had to wait for random dreams to get that lovin’ feeling.
All I knew about sex was that it involved me having an orgasm. It was great when I was by myself because there was no performance anxiety and I always had orgasms. I started with ads for bras and panties, moved up to dad’s playboy magazines, and then on into the shower with soap.
But sex with females? Like I said, the worst of times.
I got no coaching. I didn’t know what to do. There were no birds and bees talks: mom and dad made it clear that sex wasn’t a topic. My model for being in a relationship was dad, who never talked about emotions; didn’t ask for help; always had to be the dominant person; and, so he thought, was always right. With that kind of education, I kept really quiet with women.
First time I had intercourse was in college. Disaster! I had an orgasm but it came at… well, at the worst of times: really fast, premature, untimely. I lived with the plight of premature ejaculation for a psychologically damaging amount of time.
I didn’t know what a woman wanted, needed, expected, and I couldn’t ask how I could help, or ask for what I needed from her. Having sex with my first two wives was a major barrier to self confidence, self esteem, and wholeness as a man.
Patty, my third-time’s-the-charm wife, and I began a long term relationship in ’99. We were both in our 50s, had each been married before, and neither of us were sexually fulfilled.
But then, she gave me a book called Are We Having Fun Yet? The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Sex, by Drs. Marcia and Lisa Douglass.1
This priceless book was written to help women understand how they are constructed: anatomically, sexually, emotionally, genetically, and culturally. It also encouraged women to embrace their right to get full orgasmic pleasure from sex.
I devoured this book. It gave me the missing knowledge and guidance for successful, mutual love-making with a partner. Patty was grateful that I wanted to practice these new skills because, she claimed, she’d never climaxed with her previous partners. Given that none of my partners had attained completion with me, I believe her.
Sex: what a long, strange trip it’s been! If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I’d be ‘naked and unashamed’ about what I needed to know, then be coachable on how to attain successful, mutual pleasure.
With enough time, age, and practice – and finally, some actual information – sex is now the best of times.
- Douglass, M., & Douglass, L. (1997). Are We Having Fun Yet?: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Sex. Hyperion. ↩︎
