In 2006, I bought a DVD copy of the movie The Secret. I watched it multiple times, I read the book and figured my life was about to change. The first step to an abundant life, as told by The Secret,[1] was to develop an attitude of gratitude.
So, I started expressing gratitude for everything – the people in my life, my clients, my home, our pets, my communities, birds in the park, getting a parking space, etc., etc. Sometimes it was really uplifting; it may have helped break down walls with other people; occasionally it let me see other perspectives — and sometimes, it was exhausting.
My life did not see the big changes I was expecting (though I did appreciate the parking space).
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The basic tenet of gratitude makes sense. Today we live in a time where we want for nothing. For most of us in the Western world, we have clean drinking water, lots to eat, warm homes, access to medical services, an abundance of information, and so much opportunity. We should be grateful, express our gratitude and pass on our gratefulness to others.
Further, we’re encouraged to be grateful for the difficulties in our lives. Gratitude pundits believe we need to be thankful for the hardship and pain we encounter. In doing so, we can see how great we have it — what the other side of the coin looks like. With the pain and hurt behind us, being grateful for what we have would be that much easier.
For myself and others, gratitude is/was a means to an end. I thought an attitude of gratitude would help me adopt an open mind and a growth mindset. Once I had a growth mindset, everything would change. My family, my staff, my clients would all be on easy street.
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Any number of podcasts and social posts would tell you that exercising a life full of gratitude will:
• Rewire your brain – so you look for the positive, not the negative
• Lower your stress levels
• Attract people towards you
• Improve your sleep quality
• Increase your life expectancy
• And most importantly…gratitude will bring good things into your life
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But I’ve now turned down the volume on my expectations of gratitude. In fact, some days I’m a glass-half-full or grass-is-greener kind of person. Don’t get me wrong: I try to be grateful for what I have, and express my gratitude to those I interact with. But I no longer expect that gratitude will bring me the things on that list.
Do you feel like I do? Has gratitude let you down? Do most men you know have a complicated relationship with gratitude?
From a young age, we’re taught to keep moving. Don’t complain. Don’t dwell. Don’t make a fuss. We’re also taught that the only way to win is for someone else to lose. Can we be truly grateful if we are glad that someone else has lost? The lessons above fly in the face of the current gratitude culture.
Maybe I got it wrong: maybe there is no secret. In short: maybe it’s time to turn gratitude on its head. Maybe we don’t need to put a positive spin on everything to prove that we’re emotionally healthy.
Maybe gratitude doesn’t change what you have. It changes what you notice. Maybe gratitude isn’t supposed to change your circumstances. It’s supposed to change your relationship with your circumstances.
Maybe it’s time to make gratitude less transactional. Let’s challenge the groupthink and move to a life full of gratitude without expectations. To do that we can:
• Stop keeping score – ditch the expectations. Gratitude is not a vending machine. The love of your life, or your dream job, etc. will come from all the steps you take – not just from your gratitude practice
• Scrap the gimmicks. Ditch the gratitude app or a strict “every day write down three things you’re grateful for” approach. Let’s be more real. Be grateful when you want to be and with whom you want to be grateful
• Pay attention to what you’re truly grateful for, e.g., when you find a sale item unexpectedly, when someone buys you a coffee, when your budget this month balances. The birds in the park probably don’t care that you appreciate them
• Don’t use gratitude to silence yourself. If you are having a bad day, allow that to be part of who you are. Don’t be artificially grateful — yes, you are half a world away from the city that had an earthquake. Admit that marriage is tough and give yourself and your spouse the grace to build the kind of relationship you want
• When you hear a man in your circle being negative, don’t make him see the bright side; don’t tell him he could have it much worse. Use his situation to ask yourself, how do the men hear me? How do I want men to see me?
I’m practicing a new kind of gratitude. I just don’t expect gratitude to give me anything in return. I don’t practice it so the universe will send me a better life. I don’t practice it because someone on a podcast told me it will rewire my brain.
I practice gratitude because I truly do have so much to be grateful for, and I know that there is so much good to come. So, twenty years after watching that DVD, I may have finally understood The Secret. Gratitude doesn’t change what you have. It changes what you notice. And sometimes, that’s enough.
References:
[1] The Secret, directed by Drew Heriot (2006; Melbourne: Prime Time Productions, 2006), DVD.
About the Author:
Matthew “Biz” Biswas has been a member of Midnight Sons since 2018. He is a business owner, a father, a semi-skilled athlete, a rock-music aficionado, and a closet prepper. He lives in Toronto and can be reached at matthew@biswas.ca or on facebook and Instagram @matthewbiswas .
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Image by Shubham Dhage
