Burnsie...
In The House!
Intentions.
Intentions have steered my adult life. A few of the most prominent ones concerned increasing my level of fitness. Becoming punctual. Impacting others’ lives. And being in a successful, long-term, committed relationship.
None of these, when put into practice, had an immediate impact. Rather, it has taken many, many years for their results to become tangible. But when that finally happens, when the results become visible, most are positive, productive and, especially, satisfying.
Photo by Brad Rucker
One specific result, however, the one involving my ‘committed relationship,’ has stalled.
That is because of me, hiding out.
The commitment to fitness began in 1975, while recovering from a serious injury. The ensuing ifty-one years of a lifestyle structured to attain physical fitness has given me a 78-year-old body that is fit, healthy, and strong. Intention fulfilled. Satisfying.
Photo by Logan Weaver.
Punctuality came later, after the Sterling Men’s Weekend in ‘86, and I haven’t deviated from that commitment since. I have consistently been dependable, and I am trusted to show up on time.
This one doesn’t come without a cost and there’s sometimes collateral damage. There is anxiety, will I get there on time? Stress, what if I blow my commitment? And there’s often pressure on any companions who, perhaps unwillingly, are carried along with me as I fulfill my intention to be punctual. Nonetheless, I am always on time, and that is satisfying.
Original image by Tannik Zhuang
But the relationship intention? That wasn’t the result of accident, or of a transformational weekend. No, this one was inspired by the Grateful Dead.
The Grateful Dead (1970). Photo by Herb Greene.
“Tell you what I’ll do,” runs the chorus to the Dead’s, Till the Morning Comes.[1] “Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll watch out for you. You’re my woman now, make yourself easy.”
This very line has inspired my approach — my intention — through twenty-seven years or marriage with my wife, Patty.
But then, things changed. Her cancer diagnosis, and the subsequent chemo six years ago, changed them. I needed to adjust the way I was with her then, and that meant I had to tinker with my intention.
Cancer cell. Photographer unknown.
Step by step, in the intervening years, she has lost the ability to continue with many of the activities we’d always shared. She can’t swim with me anymore. We don’t go hiking, or biking, or traveling. Even most simple social interactions are out.
Patty generously encouraged me to continue, on my own, the pursuits that fulfill my intentions — for fitness and impacting other’s lives — and I have remained committed to those. And yet, for our marriage to remain successful and evolving, I needed to be more present when she and I spend time together. This is where the intention has stalled.
During this post-cancer adjustment phase, I made it my intention to be more present with Patty. Doing this meant limiting use of distractions. Yet, unlike my other intentions, the results of this one haven’t been achieved: I have not followed through with making the needed changes.
I have an addictive personality when it comes to managing psychological and emotional stress. I hide out. I distract myself with TV, or with my laptop and smart phone, or by eating without need.
Three crows on a branch. Meiji era ink on paper by Suzuki Kason (1860-1919).
“It’s the same story the crow told me,” the Dead sing in Uncle John’s Band.[2] “It’s the only one he knows.”
I still need to change my own story but… it’s the only one I know. And yet, for the sake of better supporting my wife, and for being more at peace with myself, I need to do away with distractions and fulfill this vital intention.
References:
[1] Grateful Dead. 1970. “Till the Morning Comes.” Track 8 on American Beauty. Warner Bros. Records. Compact disc.
[2] Grateful Dead, “Uncle John’s Band,” track 2 on Workingman’s Dead, Warner Bros., 1970,
About the author:
Michael “Burnsie” Burns has been active in men’s circles since 1986. He is 78, retired, has been married for 27 years, and is a member of both the East Bay Circle of Men (EBCOM) and Mentor, Discover, Inspire (MDI). He is committed to supporting men, teams, families, and communities. His focus and attention are centered on his wife, Pat;
on personal fitness; and on mentoring, and awareness.
A Note on the Frontispiece:
This image was rendered using Gemini_Ai
