I’ve been through a lot.
I’ve weathered depression. I’ve felt forgiveness. Love. Loss. Heartbreak. Betrayal. And even love.
I sometimes wonder what I would say to my younger self if I had the chance — I could I’d go back to the year 2012, because that’s where I feel like everything started to change. I see it as the beginning of my downfall, the year I settled for someone I thought I was truly in love with.
Photo by Thomas Kinto.
I would have a real heart-to-heart conversation about life, and the choices that I have made.
There’s so much I would want to tell him, but the biggest thing would be this: don’t settle for someone just because you think you’re in love. If your heart isn’t truly in it, be honest with yourself. Don’t ignore your feelings just to make something work. Sometimes we hold on to people because of what we hope things will become, instead of being honest about what they really are.
Photo by Raghu Raman.
One thing I wish I’d done differently: I could have saught advice from people who had the kind of marriage and family I wanted for myself. Being around families like that has opened my eyes to things I didn’t fully understand at the time. I notice how the kids treated their mom with respect, and how they showed love through the little things.
They would ask their mom if she needed help before going off to do their own thing, or they’d notice she was busy and offer to help without even being asked. Those little things stuck with me because they showed me what a loving family could look like. Being with someone you truly love, there will be some rough paths but also a lot of easy ones. It wasn’t about being perfect. It was about respect. Consideration. And caring enough to notice when someone needed you the most.
Photo by Zdeněk Macháček.
“When you finally find the courage to ask someone to marry you,” I wish my older self had said, “don’t rush into it. Take your time. Really think about what you want, whether marriage is the right step for you at that point in your life. Be honest about your feelings, and take the time to listen to hers, too. There will be disagreements and arguments. You won’t always see eye to eye, especially when it comes to the things that matter most to each of you.
“Talk about what marriage means to you both, what kind of family you want, and what you expect from each other. Be open about what you agree on and where you see things differently.” Looking back, I realize how important these conversations are before making a commitment like marriage. If you haven’t worked through those differences or built a strong foundation of love, trust, intimacy and commitment, you may not be ready for marriage, or you may not be with the right person for you.
Photo by Tejasvi Pandey.
Being younger, I thought getting married would make things better. I believed that, once we were married, things would fall into place; our problems would work themselves out, and our love would grow into what I had always hoped for. But the reality was different. I was so focused on what I wanted our relationship to become that I failed to recognize that I wasn’t giving her what she truly wanted and needed.
I also learned — and this was a big one — that having more children doesn’t fix the problems in a relationship. If anything, it can put more pressure onto a marriage that is already struggling.
Photo by Nan Zhou.
Children deserve to grow up in a home built on love, honesty, and stability. Not in a relationship where two people are trying to fix what was broken before they came along. I wish I had understood that sooner. You can’t build a strong family on hope alone, and you can’t fix a broken foundation by adding more to it. When you enter a marriage without being honest, you risk building a life on expectations that were never truly shared. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try to hold it together, it ends in divorce.
“You’re young still and have your whole life ahead of you. Just take it slow and really think about whether this marriage, this person, is the right choice. Listen to your heart. Don’t take things so personally. Make sure you’re both on the same page about the life you want to build together. I’ve learned that there’s a difference between settling for someone and truly loving them, and sometimes it takes years of life experience to understand the choices we wish we had made differently.
If I, as a young man, were sitting next to my older self, I truly believe I would listen. After all, I’d be looking directly into a mirror, talking to the person I used to be, knowing everything I have been through and experienced today. Why would I ignore the advice I’m giving myself, when I know where those choices could lead?
Photo by Khalsa.
Why would I ignore the advice I’m giving myself, when I know where those choices could lead? I wouldn’t want to go through the same pain and hardships all over again. I would take a different approach, make better choices, and really think about the direction my life was heading before making decisions that could change my future.
About the Author
Mathew Valdes is the father of three young boys.
They live in Seattle, Washington.
