In the Academy Award-nominated film Sideways (2004) we meet Miles. In the course of a six day road trip, Miles learns that his novel won’t get published.
He becomes aware that there’s little honesty between him and his best friend. He is told that his ex-wife is now pregnant by her new husband while he will be stuck teaching middle schoolers. And to top it off, a rare and expensive bottle of Bordeaux he’s been saving for a special occasion might never be opened.
It’s easy to identify with Miles. Many of us dreamed of a sixty-year marriage, an enviable legacy, an abundant lifestyle, a garage full of vehicles, and a passport franked with a hundred exotic stamps.
But then, a bad decision. A layoff or divorce. A long illness, or a just-plain-missed opportunity, leaves us feeling that our third and final act might close in bitter disappointment. No abundant life. No fancy bottle of Bordeaux.
Still, there’s a strange kind of relief in admitting that the life you thought you wanted might not be the life you were meant to have. It frees you to notice that everything you leaned on and direction you were heading may not have been meant to be.
Letting go of your goals, distancing yourself from relationships and attachments, and hitting the brakes on everything you’ve been chasing will certainly cause accidents behind you… Yet it will also give you a clear road ahead. Miles spent years chasing the wrong prize. He believed his life would finally begin once he became the writer he’d imagined himself to be. Even the one thing he truly loved—wine— brought out the worst in him. In a word: he was a snob.
When Miles eventually realizes life has gone on without him, he gives up on saving his cherished Bordeaux for the perfect occasion and drinks it instead in a fast-food restaurant from a styrofoam cup.
If you’re reading this and your life doesn’t look the way you thought it would, I hope you hear this clearly: you haven’t failed. You’ve simply arrived at a different kind of beginning, and it’s not too late.
Step One: toss out every spreadsheet and every vision board, anything that lists all your goals.
Step Two: focus on the things in your life that are both urgent and important. Pay your bills. Eat well. Get plenty of sleep and exercise more. Be there for the people who count on you.
Step three: before any ‘optional’ activity, will this be enjoyable? Will it be beneficial to me? And is it really manageable? If the answer is yes then by all means, go ahead. But if you aren’t sure, if there’s a maybe— as in maybe my dream girl will be at the bar tonight, or maybe my boss will finally appreciate me— say no. Do something else that is worthwhile and realistic.
Step four, let things come to you, give up the chase. Guaranteed your hunting is putting pressure on the people you interact with e.g. clients, spouses, children, dates, coworkers, teammates, etc. This will create space for things to happen.
And finally, the fifth step: be patient, see where you are in six months. Life will not pass you by if you are clear and relaxed. Don’t worry.
A random fellow named Duncan Hines, for example, was a salesman for a Chicago printing company and for nearly thirty years he logged almost forty-thousand miles annually. During this time he kept explicit notes of the best places to eat while on the road and, at fifty-five, he published a restaurant guide called Adventures in Good Eating. It began primarily for friends and colleagues but soon his guide became so popular, he started selling it and became a world-famous restaurant critic. He authored many cookbooks and then, at seventy-two, began a new venture, licensing his name and image to a number of food manufacturers. It appeared on many items such as ice creams and, especially, cake mixes. It was a far cry from life as a traveling salesman but he rolled with it.
Some of us will have neither the career, lifestyle, or family we imagined, nor the ones our culture celebrates. And maybe that’s the real prize—not the one we set out to win, but the one waiting for us when we finally stop trying to prove something.
Matthew “Biz” Biswas has been a member of Midnight Sons since 2018. Lives in Toronto, is a business owner, father, semiskilled athlete, rock music aficionado, and closet prepper. He can be reached at matthew@biswas.ca or connect with him on facebook or Instagram @matthewbiswas
If you’re reading this and your life doesn’t look the way you thought it would, I hope you hear this clearly: you haven’t failed. You’ve simply arrived at a different kind of beginning, and it’s not too late.
