Hi Jim,

It’s been a while. Not really, but it has been a year. A year without you. A year of dispair. 

Everyone knows about this. Everyone knows I lost you. Everyone else that has survived a suicide in their life – they share it. With me.

Two weeks ago I was in the hardware store. They know me. Our conversation shifted over to suicide, I can’t remember why. I shared your story. They shared theirs. I was gobsmacked. I was so taken aback by what they shared with me that they stopped.

One woman said, “Hey, do you need, like, a hug?” I nodded yes. We cried. Grief once again. This time it was us being together – and I’m not at all ashamed of myself. I must suffer the loss of you. Because of what you did. And now i’m doing what I need. Life without you really, really sucks.  

Suicide sucks!

It’s different without you. I wish things were different. That we didn’t have to go through this. Because I don’t like it . I wish it was a sense of humiliation. My emotional reaction was somehow too much, or over the line – something like that. But it isn’t. There’s no one at all that can tell me whether my emotions are too much or few. I don’t even get to choose these, my emotional reactions.  They’re WAY too big, way too intense. Fact is, I have no emotional perspective, nor a philosophy to provide me shelter. Nothing. Not one thing protects me from suffering the loss of you. And I assure you, I suffer your loss every single time. All the way to full-on despair.

I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I wish I somehow could. 

That’s half of the story. And that story is still being written. 

Your loss does not define how things go from here. When you chose to take your life you took many decisions away. For you, your family, and goddammit, for me, too. I have no access to you. Your brilliant mind, your giant heart. 

What I have is a legacy. My brother, my rival. My cherished immovable object I could oppose and see –  really see my own reflection in you. I miss you in this shadow most of all.

Goodbye.

Hello AND goodbye. 

I will never let you down. I will always stand for the things we’ve created. I carry your mighty intentions into fruition. I’m grateful you showed me how. 

To you, my dear reader, please know this. Ellis would rather we focus on winning. That we fulfill on our commitment to serve the men of MDI, in a thoughtful, heartfelt way, He hated “Yo mamma” jokes because he thought they made bad light of “momma.” I said it made light of the ‘yo,’ not the ‘momma.’

If you’ve experienced suicide or have things to say, please share. Because this Ellis guy was pretty awesome and it really does take the likes of you and me to take action, and make his tragic loss something we can be proud about. RIGHT?

Read the Honor Book! 

I swear your book Huh? The Joys, Sorrows and Comic Relief of Miscommunication was written about me. I can be insufferable.