David De Francisco
Guest Writer
This was written twelve years before I did my Sterling Men’s Weekend1 and joined Mentor Discover Inspire (MDI). I was still mired in addiction, still had trust issues, and hadn’t overcome the emotional and psychological effects of being lured into same-sex acts as a child and a boy.
I ultimately gravitated towards women because they were safe. Other than my dad, I didn’t feel safe being alone with men. Therefore, I was initiated into ‘manhood’ by women, and was quite feminized in how I did relationships.
MDI has had a major role in changing how I relate as a man, and the men of MDI – especially a specific few – were a big part of my seeking, finally, recovery. While loneliness can still be a challenge for me, the sentiment and the victim identity I held when I wrote the poem below are things of the past. So I am forever grateful to many of the men in men’s work for the role they had in my transformation. Just so you know, I was mentored, I did discover and I have been inspired.
The men of MDI also helped me move from shame to self acceptance; from a polluted mind to one that could better focus on and receive from my higher power; from not being able to trust to trusting – to the point that I am actually learning to rest. When I left MDI I did so with this thought in the back of my mind: the work we do, while amazing and necessary, was not eternal. But writing this poem revealed to me that I was wrong about that. So, when I say I’m eternally grateful to the men I’ve been blessed to call my men, that is not hyperbole: it’s truth. The men bringing me their truths helped me discover my truth. I’m not sure that happens without the men in my life.
I Cry Alone
The inner sadness, the not-so silent groan.
As painful voices whisper, they shake me to the bone.
It’s eerie how those voices leave me feeling helpless and so alone.
The pain roams inside me, trying to get out
Sometimes the whisper, turns into a shout
I do my best to silence them, to send them on their way
But for now, the fear remains… they’ll be back another day
Could I ever tell you, do I have the nerve to say?
Would you listen, could you hear me, or just go on your way?
Talking to the shadows, expressing words I think are true
If only I could tell you, maybe then they’d go away
But if they didn’t then, there’d be nothing left to say
I try to quiet the voices; they’re only muffled at their best
What I need is for this pain’n’loneliness to give me a little rest.
It’s strange, this way that I cope.
Remaining in my silence, is like holding on to hope.
Compelled to speak the words, I’m needing you to hear.
But remaining in my silence, because of my shame, doubt and fear.
The pain says that you won’t love me; that you really don’t want to hear.
This pouting on the inside, I don’t know what that’s all about.
Maybe it’s that telling would turn me inside out.
Just to know that you would love me, with no reservation or any doubt.
Maybe that would help me to leave this place of loneliness, from which I’m trying to get out.
If only I could break my silence, then I would never be alone.
But if I can’t find the courage, then I may never know.
So, tell me… what then… am I distined to cry alone?
- The Sterling Men’s Weekend is a weekend event conducted by the Sterling Institute of Relationship ↩︎
