Scott Oliver
Contributing Writer
What kills a Men’s Team?
If the purpose of being on a Men’s Team is to uphold its ideals, its values, and all agreed-upon standards, then why does a Circle of Men break?
The Differential Standards Paradox
I’ll begin with the Differential Standards Paradox. This occurs when standards are not being upheld equally amongst the men. A consequence, or clearing – an acknowledgment of being out of integrity through not keeping one’s word in some manner – for one man may be more severe than it is for another. Or, a man does not do his weekly Moving Forward while other men on the team complete theirs.
The man can atone by doing a few push-ups to regain his honor. But a man doesn’t learn from assigning his own consequences if, week after week, he does not do a Moving Forward. The clearing by push-ups, etc., becomes more routine than the purpose of having a Moving Forward. Accountability is diminished. If a team allows this to occur, over and over, without severe accountability, the Circle becomes complacent and complacency is what makes men leave or a team disband.. An unspoken “gentleman’s agreement” takes root. The man is not serious about his Moving Forward and, if other men do not speak up, they sell that man out by allowing him to do it on his own terms.
Men Doing It On Their Own Terms
This is inherently dangerous if left to a man’s own devices. It takes the energy and the power away from the Circle, especially when all the other men allow it to happen, are complicit.
Men who disrupt a weekly meeting by sabotaging the team captain’s CPR;1 or men who feel the standards do not apply to them; men who are ‘unsupportable.’
This situation eats away at the very fabric of a Men’s Team. Other men end up not getting what they need while allowing one man to dominate the circle. It creates a lack of unity and trust.
Withholds and Gossip
If any man on the team has something to say to another man, then he needs to bring it to that man within the Circle. We believe in the sanctity of confidentiality. The Circle, a safe place (or at least designed that way) is held together with trust, truth and confidentiality. If a man says something about another man to yet a third man, and says nothing to the former directly, then he’s engaging in gossip.
This is dishonorable and does not represent practicing mature masculine relationship. If a man cannot speak to a teammate directly, then he musn’t speak of him behind his back. Bring it to the Circle, acknowledge the barriers, trust the process, trust the men.
Leadership Dishonoring Rank
There are many leadership roles and we look up to our current leaders for guidance. But when leadership fails it has a ripple effect that deeply impacts the teams.
A Division Coordinator2 who uses the Code of Honor as a weapon rather than as a guide. A leader coming from a place on high, living above our standards, and playing them down when he’s called out. Shadow leading. Making unilateral decisions without trusting or consulting the men. A leader creating an atmosphere of uneasiness, distrust in one’s own abilities, and allowing himself a false sense of superiority.
This is not leadership. This is allowing a toxic politic, wreaking havoc within any men’s organization. It is detrimental to the unity and community that we hold true. Calling leadership out is the responsibility of all men within the Circle.
Leading is teaching and learning at the same time. Finding ways for every man in the tribe to get what he needs.
A true leader leads by example, raising men up to their full potential, and not letting standards slide. Defending the integrity of the organization; placing his own wants and needs aside for the betterment of the Tribe. True leadership comes from the heart. And a man’s heart is revealed by the way he leads other men.
Many men have come before. They dug the well, drank from the water. Let not the foundations become toxic and never let the well run dry.
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