Michael Burns and Patricia Leighton
Columnist
I know how he has altered in his devotion of me.
I know how he has narrowed the circle of his sympathies and duties, in the concentration of his whole mind upon me.
I know what a multitude of things he has shut out for my sake, and how his anxious thoughts of me have shadowed in life.
– Charles Dickens, David Copperfield
There are risks involved when a man is highly engaged in Men’s organizations. Support for living our best lives is a priceless context, purpose, and result of Men’s work. Yet, if the time and focus needed for that support jeopardizes the attention we give to our wives, partners, and families, then men, take heed!
It took a near-death experience to wake me up, to enroll me into giving my best effort to my 3rd-time’s-the-charm wife, Patty.
Prior to her battles with cancer and chemo, I was not supporting her adequately, with all that I had, and for all that she needed. But once those battles were joined, I took heed.
Though we lived in the Bay Area, we had bought a house in Santa Cruz, in order to care for Patty’s mother, June, during her transition from living to the unknown. Patty and I had been committed to our partnership for 10 years, but hadn’t yet lived together.
Patty was still working in Oakland but I was retired, so I began living in the new house right away and my lifestyle remained the same: alone most of the time, doing men’s work, networking, exercising, and mentoring youth. I was thriving.
Patty would come down most weekends and, step by step, created a home that was tasteful, beautiful, artistically pleasing, and reflective of her very rich persona. Eventually she retired too, from a very fulfilling job managing projects for Kaiser Permanente. Yet I, still involved in my own stuff and my own lifestyle, was neglecting her needs. I wanted to make myself a better man, but I was disengaged from my wife in order to do it. I didn’t yet take heed.
Now, uprooted from a wonderful neighborhood in a diverse Bay Area culture, she had to adjust to the unfamiliar environs and culture shock of Santa Cruz. She did not find it easy to embrace and enjoy. Creating a warm home life and abundant garden were the only familiar aspects of her new life in Santa Cruz.
She knew only three people: me, her sister, and June, but caring for her mother was not enjoyable at all, while my distracted and minimal presence was not very helpful to the transition.
Added to this, we had to learn how to live together. It was like a pressure cooker in contrast to each having our own pads. Maturity was needed to honor each others’ need for space; to learn which household jobs were mine and which hers. We hadn’t learned any of that yet.
Patty suffered through a gut-wrenching time during her mom’s decline and passing. She, and her two younger sisters, did what they had to in order to complete June’s estate, and to deal with memories and traumas of their family’s past.
This ended the ‘June’ phase of our time in Santa Cruz and, we assumed, we could now relax and enjoy retirement. We were mistaken. For June’s death was soon followed by Patty’s own diagnosis of stage-4, non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Now, finally, I took heed.
This marked the end of my giving her inadequate and inappropriate levels of time and attention. The change became a 24/7 commitment to what I called Team We.
It certainly was clear what my priority was when Patty was down and dependent. She needed to be in survival mode, and she was. I needed to accomplish all the tasks that were before me: and I did.
Patty survived the cancer and so did Team We. The focus for both of us now is to work together, as teammates on a championship team. We’ve learned to use a variety of qualities and values to accomplish this: commitment, acceptance, and respect; trust, care, and empathy along with compassion and patience; support for one anothers’ unique abilities, and all our combined strengths, and weaknesses.
We are growing into our best selves now, together, from all the practice, from the blood, sweat, and tears that we have lived through, in sickness then, and now in health. It’s not just about men’s stuff anymore except in the context of Team We.
There are, as I said, risks involved when a man is highly engaged in Men’s Work without paying close enough attention to those he’s supposed to be doing it for. I did not take heed until cancer almost took my wife. Seriously? It took that to wake me up?
Yes. But I’m awake now. I took heed. I’m on a championship team. Team We.
