Everything’s Fine Until it Isn’t… and Then?

Not having a team is like not carrying homeowner’s insurance – everything’s fine until it isn’t, and then you’re fucked. -Robert Munafo

Robert Munafo
Guest Writer

I have always noted milestones, named by years: ’86, ’95, ‘99, and so on. Most involved either entering, or departing, a circle of men.

I reflect here on my college graduation; attending the Sterling Men’s Weekend;¹ leaving the old (MDI) Division; taking the Legacy Discovery² weekend; leaving MDI;³ attaining my Ph.D., and my life mission statement.

As such, I have ‘gotten my boys’ three times: college fraternity, old Men’s Division, and MDI. I have also lost them an equal number of times, thus being outside the circle from 1986-1995, from 1999-2005, and from 2010-2024. I define ‘outside the circle’ as interacting with men only at the relationship level of socialization, not at Team or higher levels.

Each such experience has had the quality of a walkabout: an ancient and time-honored vehicle of maturation. Whether a walkabout is initiated from within (I quit!) or from without, it is necessary to encounter its challenges – the world asking questions. These challenges may come immediately, or may show up only at the end.

There is always disruption, or break from life-as-it-was; examination or self-reflection; and rebuilding or growth and maturation. (Refer to Jung’s individuation via metaphorical death and rebirth, or similar themes of Joseph Campbell, Carlos Castaneda, etc.)

After ‘losing my boys,’ I’ve always experienced a lack of clarity, in retrospect best called ‘wonder’ – though ‘confusion’ is the feeling in the moment. With the first (anticipated) break after graduation, I knew I’d be asking, will computer engineering work as a job when it has only been my hobby?

But it’s been the unexpected questions – why does aloneness hurt so deeply when I enjoyed being a loner in high school? Can I, or should I, really ‘choose’ to be gay? How can ‘neurodiversity’ apply to me when my men deny the relevance of such things – things that have yielded the greatest gains?

Many of these questions could only appear – and could only be answered – on walkabout. One such, just now resolved after 25 years of wonder, is how would I justify my use of performative action to support men in the circle?

In the old Men’s Divison I became acutely aware of my ability to rapidly empathise with a man, call forth needed qualities of mature masculinity and, living in that character, fully push, pull, or cajole him to the next step that I deeply knew needed to be taken.

Stated this way it all sounds fine, but was I really just faking it and fooling everyone? Was I, to put it bluntly, believing my own bullshit so well as to drag other men into the dung with me?

My crisis of conscience over this brought me to acting workshops, years of research on the nature of performing artists’ skills, and interviews with professional actors.

As developed in America (out of the school of Russian master Stanislavsky), actor and audience, having stepped into the otherly liminal space of the theatre, commitedly enter a trusting relationship with each other. In it, the expression of bare, raw emotion generates a transformative communication of the intense experience. This is called perezhivanie and it is authentic precisely because they feel each other’s willingness to learn and grow.

I realised, therefore, that my interactions with men in the liminal space of the circle were not fake or superficial, but honorable and noble. Most men in the circle achieve this without such analysis… but in my life, and on my path, that is how I learn.

Having been brought by my wanderings through walkabout wastelands; and by my wonderings to realizations of wisdom made one with myself, I expand and build on my earlier maturations like a lobster molting to fill a larger shell. Here are some things I have learned on walkabout that I have brought and – spoiler alert! – will soon bring again to a men’s circle:

• Any masculine circle must respect the Wildman of Robert Bly’s Iron John in its policies and procedures, however carefully designed they are to guarantee a limited set of outcomes

• We lift another man up by delivering our experience or belief passionately, within a context of mutual trust. That delivery is promotion: active encouragement for the furtherance of a goal or result. The result of such lifting up is also promotion: raising the man to a higher station in life

• Every Man must discover the way he promotes best, whether actively, responsively, or through deep affinity. And the bad news is: you won’t get far just asking men to do it the way you do

• Modern-day masculine initiations must be culture-specific, vital, and adapted to every now. As such, they must be facilitated by teams of peers

• I exemplfy a fiercely scientific approach to all things, whilst giving equal time and effort to my Buddhist spiritual practice

As for the return phase of Jung’s individuation I will say merely that not having a team is like not carrying homeowner’s insurance – everything’s fine until it isn’t, and then you’re fucked.

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1. The Sterling Men’s Weekend is a seminar offered by the Sterling Institute of Relationship
2. Legacy Discovery is a seminar by Mentor Discover Inspire (MDI)
3. MDI refers to Mentor Discover Inspire