A Well-Digger’s Tale

Rich O’Keeffe
Contributor

The recent passing of Justin Sterling has brought up a ton of thoughts for many of us. Some are good, some neutral, others are downright negative.

I’ve been asked to write a few thoughts about Justin, in part so the men who knew him can relate, and also so those with no experience of him can gain some background and context.

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A Brief History

In 1979, Justin Sterling started the Sterling Institute of Relationship. He offered Weekends to women centered around giving them tools to have happy, productive and successful relationships with men. The weekend was called “Women, Sex and Power.”

It didn’t take but a women’s Weekend or three before the women went to Justin and said, “You gotta do something for the men in our lives.” And thus the “Men, Sex and Power” Weekend was created, the first being held in late 1981.

One offshoot of these Weekends was the inception of Sterling Communities. These were coed, led by both a man and a woman, and had chapters in Toronto, New York, Boston, Vancouver and the Bay Area.

There was also a Community Service Foundation producing annual projects – all on the same day – in the areas where Communities existed.

Many people found their way to the Weekends through meeting community members at the International Community Service Day (ICSD) events.

But then, in early 1987 or so, a lot of the men began to feel their place in the community structure had been diminished. That was a fair perspective. The men were given less and less time to do the work men can only really do with other men. They’d become ‘community whipped,’ so to speak, and this led ultimately to the dissolution of the Communities.

It also caused the creation of Men’s Division / Family of Women (MDFOW) within the Institute’s umbrella, as a more effective vehicle to fulfill the Institute’s purpose.

That purpose was:
“To transform the quality of people’s relationships by defining the differences between men and women so that they know their Selves, become closer to each other, and have the natural and loving relationship that will produce the partnership and context necessary for the transition to a true global community.”

Another significant change was a transition away from Men/Women Sex and Power to the Sterling Men’s and Women’s Weekends. That evolution, as well as the move to MDFOW, was a huge boon. MDFOW grew explosively. Inroads into new areas happened one after another – Atlanta, Iowa, San Diego, Los Angeles, Calgary. 

But in the 90’s, some things took place that derailed the mission we were on. The largest of those was the death of Rick Russell. Rick had moved from Vancouver, where he’d been a highly successful leader among the men, to Oakland to join Justin’s staff. One of his sayings, the one I remember most, was his desire to “have a men’s team on every street corner.”

He had transformed and amplified the number of people being touched by the Weekends and his sudden death left a huge leadership void. Some former leaders re-entered their old positions, but Rick had changed things, and those leaders were not able to fulfill his new reality.

Hence, a schism developed between Justin (along with some leaders) and many of the most powerful leaders in MDFOW.

Justin, et al, believed putting men and women into the Weekends was the highest imperative. Those who dissented believed that, though the weekends were great, the follow-on work in the Men’s Divisions and Family of Women was where the true magic happened. This rift led to the eventual formation of MDI and The Family of Women as organizations operating independently from the Sterling Institute.

During all this there was, to my mind, a lot of “Fuck you!”….”No, Fuck YOU” going on. Call it ‘FU/NFU.’

It is fascinating to me to see how ego shows up in volunteer communities, and elsewhere. FU/NFU has become the default for political discourse these days, for example.

Nevertheless, when MDI created Legacy Discovery, and presented it as an alternative Weekend, it brought on a shit-ton of FU/NFU. This led to a significant number of MDI men leaving and starting the Dojo.

But here’s the thing: it takes tremendous energy to stand against something. And not only that but, strangely, ‘standing against’ only reinforces and makes stronger the existence of that which one is standing against. It didn’t take long – a few years, actually – until several men realized we needed to exorcise any FU/NFU in how we ran MDI.

Predictably, the Dojo essentially collapsed – it was a FU/NFU to a FU/NFU…double the against-ness – though a few chapters still exist.

That’s the ‘brief’ history some of you may not have known.

Reflections

Damn! That walk through history was a lot longer than I planned. Hope you are still reading. 

Now, people have lots of passionate feelings about Justin. I want to share mine.

I was 21 years old and living in my parents’ house when I did the Weekend (which reminds me that I did it 40 years ago next month!) It was one of the most seminal experiences I’ve had as an adult, and it shaped my life.

I grew up in the Men’s Division and on my various Men’s teams – the men and women finished the job my parents started. I am, in very large part, who I am today because I said ‘yes’ when Brian Huckins asked me to trust him and sign up. I’m glad I did and I will forever be grateful that Justin created The Weekend.

During the Men’s Weekend Course’s development, I moved from Massachusetts to Washington. Shortly after I arrived there was a massive storm that caused serious flooding. The only person I’m not related to who called to check if I was ok was Justin.

It’s not like we were close friends or anything. But he did have personal connections with a lot of men and women that he honored. He was always delighted when we got to see each other in person and always gave me a warm greeting.

I also met my ex-wife while doing enrollment for the Men’s Weekend.

She was leading a group of women graduates in Vermont and they had rounded up some men they hoped would enroll. Shane Kenney and I drove to Burlington to run an open house and something like 8 of the 10 men there signed up.

For a long time my wife remained as passionate about The Weekends as I was but, when things happened during the 90’s as noted above, she stopped participating.

Now, years later, I realize she no longer believed it a worthy pursuit. To her credit, she never attempted to get me to stop, but she was just done. In hindsight, I see that as the moment my marriage began its descent. I continued participating.

Love him or hate him, Justin touched hundreds of thousands of lives directly. I wish I’d had that sort of impact on the world. It’s probably too late for me to undertake that journey, now that I’ve begun the transition from middle age to elderly. But Justin dug that well.

Men frequently leave MDI with an attitude of “I have my team, and it is mine not theirs, and we can do this all without …blah-blahbitty-blah-blah.” But MDI built it and it was available when those men wanted it. And sometimes, those teams go off and do their own thing for years and are just fine – but MDI is still there when needed.

A past MDI Chairman of the Board, Larry Wenglin, once said, “the real value of MDI is that it makes sure that you have a men’s team that you get to join.” But that would not be true without Justin Sterling. Love him or hate him, we do not have MDI without Justin having done what he did. You’d have neither your division nor your men’s team.

Thank you, Justin, for the well.